I Believe in Marriage
On April 20th, Susan and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. What a joy to also celebrate the marriages in our Emmanuel family! I think especially of couples who were together so many decades such as the Passens, with 70 years of marriage; the Singers with 61 years; my own parents with 67 years. I also think of persons who found their mate later in life and discovered the joy of marriage beyond hope.
Marriage, if you listen to the media, has become a troubled and confused institution in current culture. The original goals and purposes of marriage—a haven for raising children (Genesis 1:28a), a lifelong bond of safety and stability (Genesis 2:24; Malachi 2:14–16), mutual care and ongoing support for better or for worse (Proverbs 5:15–19; 31:10–12), a sure conveyance of wisdom and property to the people who matter most to you (Proverbs 13:20–22)—these matters are being lost. Also, as couples today have fewer children, the importance of marriage likewise seems to retreat.
Yet marriage as God gave it still exists and still works, as Susan and I can tell you—not that we have a perfect marriage. On the contrary, one might conclude we have an especially “ordinary” marriage: a couple bonded in love, raising their children, preparing them for adult life, ensuring one another’s health, accumulating wealth for the good of family and other institutions we deem worthy of our care. This is the partnership that made our marriage 35 years strong and that has made our culture great in days gone by. Marriage still works for those who proceed with care, prayer, and mutual commitment. “Ordinary” marriage is the stuff of greatness.
SOME STATS AND INFORMATION ABOUT MARRIAGE AND COUNSELING
· About 60% of first-time marriage last a lifetime! You sometimes read that half of all marriages end in divorce. But that’s a bit deceptive. It’s the breakup of second, third, etc. marriages that make up the other 10% leading to the half-of-all marriages statistic. Religious persons who practice their faith are significantly more likely to stay married (Brad Wilcox, “Faith and Marriage: Better Together?” Institute for Family Studies, 2017).
· Whirlwind marriages are more likely to include greater stress, instability, lower satisfaction, and more divorce. Although there is not a perfect or ideal timeline for courtship and marriage, careful planning and time are associated with lasting marriages and less anxiety for women in particular.
· People who enter another marriage have a higher percentage of breaking up. So make this marriage decision with care, godly counseling, and sufficient distance from the previous marriage so that you don’t carry the “baggage” from a broken relationship into the next relationship.
· A newer factor affecting the above statistics is couples living together before marriage. The culture teaches that living together allows one to test the relationship before the permanency of marriage. But in fact, the statics tell us something different (2023 University of Denver, Institute for Family Studies). Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce than those who don’t live together. Researchers aren’t exactly sure why that is true. I would guess that it has to do with the most important factor in a successful marriage: mutual commitment. The stronger the commitment, the stronger the likelihood of staying together. If someone is “trying out” another person, that may signal low commitment.
· Courtship, which involves the support of family, works better when forming a marriage. Creating the bonds of mutual spiritual care before physical intimacy is important for grounding a relationship in what will last. Continuing both spiritual and physical intimacy throughout the marriage continually renews the bonds.
· Statistics for online dating services and apps are showing mixed results. Again, mutual commitment is the best indicator of a lasting marriage.
· Both premarital and marital counseling works, according to studies from the National Institutes of Health, the American Psychological Association, and other research organizations. (See, for example, Bre Jessen, “Is Premarital Counseling Worth It?” Colorado State University, College of Health and Human Sciences, 2021.) Such marriage counseling is not a guarantee of marital success but shows significant benefit, especially for couples who do not put it off. For marriages at Emmanuel, I spend four counseling sessions with couples. I also meet with married couples or refer them to professional counsel as needed. I offer pastoral counsel, not licensed professional counsel since I do not have a counseling degree.
As Susan and I celebrated our 35th anniversary with a quiet get away, I calculated that we only had another 32 years to go to match how long my parents were together. We’ll just have to live into our 90s!
